Month: October 2016

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

When I got off the floor from rolling and laughing so hard I could actually type this…

Bookshelf Battle

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She…

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #30 – Fun Sized Candy Bars

So when confronted by a vampire throw down a whole bag of fun size candy bars and run the other way!

Bookshelf Battle

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Don’t you hate it when you think you’re going to get a big ass candy bar but instead you get a teeny tiny candy bar instead?

“Oh it’s fun sized! This pathetic little candy bar is so much fun!”

Bleh, let me tell you, that is some Don Draper Madison Avenue Mad Men Peggy Olsen bullshit right there. “Fun Size” was invented so that candy companies could sell shit tons of candy during the Halloween season and while I haven’t done the math in my vampiric brain, I’m willing to bet that when you buy one of those bags of fun sized candy bars, they’re selling you less chocolate for more money.

Bleh! I’m so angry I’m bleh-ing all over the place. I’m too lazy to do the math. One of you nerds, go analyze the square footage of the average amount of chocolate…

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #28 -The Walking Dead

Can’t. Stop. Watching.

Bookshelf Battle

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Have you been watching The Walking Dead this season, 3.5 readers?

It’s depressing as shit and if you show it to a vampire, he or she will be too depressed to bite you.

That’s it. Sorry, bleh.  When you’re getting 31 suggestions about how to defeat a vampire, they all can’t be winners.

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